Tomorrow I’m due to have my very first oncology appointment. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous or scared. I don’t even know what I’m nervous or scared of exactly, I think I’ve just got used to feeling like that. This appointment should be where we discuss my chemotherapy and also discuss whether I am in need of a colostomy bag. Due to the pain in in from the blockage the tumour is causing, it’s highly likely I’ll need one. I think to be honest, this could possibly be where my anxiety is stemming from. In a brutal but simple explanation, the surgery requires them to open up my body, cut into my intestines and pull one of the open ends to the surface, to then cause any bowel movements that I should pass naturally to go into a bag. Some of the stuff I’ve read us calmed me, others (including pictures) have terrified me. But as I’ve said to my mum, I’d rather know now than have it all thrown on me at the last second.
All I want is to wake up from the surgery. I think after being told I have this illness the big thing that circles my mind everyday, all day is: I don’t want to die. No one wants to die, but I feel like I’m closer to it than I’ve ever been, therefore panicking that for some reason I may not wake up from the anaesthetic. After that, I’m then panicking that the recovery from the colostomy will cause me to be delayed on starting Chemo. At the moment, I want to start that as fast as possible. I want to start attacking these little shits as soon as I can, kick its ass.
Anyway, for now, all I can do is wait. This whole thing is one big waiting game. I can’t do anything else but worry till then.