The bad and the good

Despite everyone telling me how strong I am, it’d be an unbelievable lie to say that I don’t have my down days. Now of course, everyone has their down days as I remember I would have them before the diagnosis, but since the diagnosis? My emotions have become brittle and extremely sensitive, I see a cute puppy and feel like crying! I have this persistent want to cry. I hear of a sad story and my voice breaks, I feel the tears coming and I find myself feeling heartbroken and it makes no sense why I do. I’m guessing something is just going on in my mind that I’m not aware of, that my mind is constantly thinking about my diagnosis and I’m not aware of it.

Monday (13th June) though was one of my down days. I decided to try a night without my painkillers and it was a big mistake. I woke up hourly throughout the night, leaving me with this uncomfortable and tired feeling when I got up to face the day. My emotions were all over the place and I didn’t quite know what to do with myself, I was sort of at a loss at what to do to have a normal day. I made plans however, for Paul (boyfriend) to come down and watch a film with me but then the phone rang. It was the oncologist who I was meant to be seeing yesterday (Tuesday 14th) wanting to reschedule my appointment. To cut a long story short as a lot has changed in these few days (and I’ve been too busy to write), my chemotherapy has been delayed from starting Monday till Friday (17th June) in order for me to have treatment at Clatterbridge TYA (Teenage and Young Adult) Centre. But in the mean time, my oncologist made an appointment for Tuesday to check me over ready for the chemo and make sure I was ready for Clatterbridge, however an emergency meeting had took our appointment slot meaning me needing to go and see him immediately. Now at first, I was a bit confused as why he was so bothered to just see me till he then announced he did have some more news about my situation. A while ago, it was mentioned briefly about possibly having a third drug if they thought I was favourable enough. Now this drug, Cetuximab, is a drug not available on the NHS and you must fit a criteria in order to go ahead with it – and luckily, I fit that criteria. This drug is known as a targeted therapy, that can not only provide a bigger chance at stopping the growth and dividing of my tumours, but can also numb them down for the chemo to attack them. Basically, this is really really good news as it means I have an extra drug working in my favour to shrink my Liver tumours. Obviously, like anything, it’s not guaranteed but as my oncologist said, there’s only one way to find out if it’ll work or won’t work.
So you can say we’ve had another small miracle, something else that we didn’t know could happen just like when they removed my tumour. Hopefully, when I’m settled after starting my chemo I’ll be able to write more updates but as well, I’m also going to try and write other general posts to help people understand my rare situation, promote this awareness for young people with bowel problem and other related topics. For updates that aren’t a big enough change for a blog post, feel free to like and subscribe to my Facebook page. As usual, thank you for reading this far, it really does mean so much to have this support ❤️

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Roy Webster says:


    Your only human love please don’t ever beat yourself up for having a bad day, some days you won’t feel up to getting out of bed!! So what you do exactly what you feel like Hannah just simply take each day as they come until your all sorted and on the road back to work which eventually will come I’m certain.
    I’ve no doubt you’ll have a field of different emotions throughout your treatment happy sad anger gratitude laughing crying, just like we all do daily, so your just like me and the next person 😉
    Best wishes for now love just remember’
    Keep 😁😁 smiling xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Richard Gillard says:

    Just read your blog……. Speaking from experience cetuximab is a wonder drug. I’m in a similar situation to yourself (with primary bowel and secondary liver) and after originally being told they couldn’t do anything for my liver I had 6 cycles of cetuximab at Clatterbridge and then a scan. Scan showed that my numerous tumours had all shrunk or become calcified. It meant I was able to have a liver resection op at Aintree in January. It is a brilliant drug and will make all the difference. Keep strong through the ups and downs-it will all be worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience because you have literally just made my day. Of course I’m trying to be positive but I am a very realistic and skeptical person so even though I try to be positive, I have to face the facts that it’s advanced and difficult etc. I just hope I have the same response and outcome as you, that’s the aim, shrink my tumours for surgery so fingers crossed! I’m made up Cetuximab worked for you and I don’t know where you are on your treatment but I wish you the best of luck no matter what ☺️


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