Brutally honest emotions

When you’re just watching a normal video of James Cordens Carpool karaoke and start crying because you want to be in America.
When your sat watching your dogs play in the back garden and start crying because you remember the time when you could join in without any worry.
When you see someone just going about their routine of dropping their kids at school and you cry because that’s all you want, routine.

It’s utterly pathetic how I feel at the moment and something that’s possibly quite laughable to others but it’s also brutally honest in every single way.
It’s on days like these that I think about the good days… Even though I was already ill and diagnosed at the time, the first visit I made up north to see my sister, who recently moved out, is a day I always think of. I loved it. We didn’t even do much to be honest, just walked around looking at the scenery but I truly enjoyed every moment. I miss my sister who, when she lived with us, was my argument buddy so getting to see her was really nice and just spending the day with the family exploring made it that much more special. Sometimes when I sit here and get upset it’s not because of the lack of places I now can’t go to, but in fact the memories I can’t make with the people I love right now. It’s the memories that should be making me smile that sting on days like today because what I wouldn’t give to go to sleep and go back to one of the many holidays abroad or days out, just to simply not be ill for the day and be able to get up and make the most out of life. I feel like I’ve took life for granted up to now and regret it so much, all I want to do now is literally love and live as desperately pathetic as that sounds. I physically just feel like curling into a ball and cuddle the ones I love and that is literally the only way I can describe my emotions. I don’t want to be alone but at the same time, I’m not massively great company to be around when I’m not feeling well as I don’t talk or move much. I just very simply don’t know what to do with myself. I wish I could say I didn’t have days like this and could feel strong all the time but after today, I felt a brutally honest post was needed to try and get the point across of what exactly me and others my age will be feeling. None of this crying and sulking is attention seeking, it’s a human reacting to their whole life changing and presented with the unknown and scary realisation that I have a seriously life-threatening illness out of nowhere. I hope tomorrow is honestly a better day because at the moment, I want to do nothing more than sleep, although at the moment I can’t even do that! I know I’m not alone however, I know there will be plenty other young people my age who will feel their heart sink when they see people enjoying their days out and holidays that they can’t take part in at the moment, I just hope they and myself pull through so I can be the one making the memories in no time.
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