On 7th October 2016 I received the worst news imaginable. I was sat down ready to receive my MRI results which would tell me why I have had trouble urinating. First, we got the ‘good news’ (the words the doctor used) that there’s no reason I should struggle urinating if we took the catheter out as my bladder looks fine, but that does leave us wondering why I was struggling urinating so the doctors and nurses are nervous to take it out in case I can’t urinae again. This (not-so) ‘good’ news was short-lived when he then revealed that further looking into the MRI, my cancer is actually aggressive and currently attacking my pelvis and uterus (and more down around my bowel, I can’t remember much of what was said as the news shocked me that much) as the chemo has failed to prevent the cancer from spreading… meaning the good news we received on the Thursday about my tumours shrinking in my liver was inaccurate because in fact, whilst the Chemo was working on my liver, the cancer has continued to spread around my bowel area. This has left the doctor with no choice but to tell me that we are no longer looking for a cure and my new cancer status is now terminal.
I’m sure this will shock others as much as it shocked and upset me, especially after getting told the previous week that it was good news because the consultant didn’t look at my bowel on the CT and told me inaccurate information, that the Chemo was working therefore we could celebrate, which I did so via live video on Facebook! Now I’ve been told my life will be limited thanks to the aggressive cancer that is tearing through my organs.
I’m distraught. I can’t understand how they got this so wrong and if I wasn’t moaning about pain around my coccyx, they would have never found this! I had two MRI’s during my stay in hospital, the first one on my spine and around my coccyx and they STILL failed to see the growth of cancer around my bowel and pelvis! I’m angry to say the least, that my treatment so far has been so incompetent and, in my opinion, done VERY unprofessionally. It feels like they’re fresh out of uni and practising rather than this being the real deal. How can a consultant get my results SO wrong? It worries me that these doctors/consultants, who so inaccurately reported my results are the ones who are currently still taking care of me. It really makes me wonder if they’re aware this is a life they’re playing with.
There’s so many thoughts going through my head at the moment. I don’t know what they mean by palliative and end of life care, especially when I don’t see myself anywhere near end of life! I don’t feel it and I certainly don’t want to be anywhere near the end! I want to live to see next Christmas, I want to celebrate next Halloween, I want to make it to my 21st birthday let alone my 20th, I want to live for years and years beyond what they are so carelessly predicting, although I guess it’s just their job. I wanted to get married – from the planning of the day to the dress shopping for me and my bridesmaids (I’ve always loved ‘Say yes to the dress’) then to the actual day – have kids (I’ve even thought of names for a little boy or girl), travel the world in my dream job as Cabin Crew, be able to cross off everything on my bucket list, live my own life independently, in my own home with my own little family (like my sisters)… even down to celebrating my 21st birthday which I don’t even know if I’ll get to do, let alone go to Las Vegas to celebrate it. I hate this uncertainty, this like ticking clock on my life, not feeling like I can plan anything. Despite all the fighting I’ve done, how positive I’ve tried to be, it feels like it was all for nothing…
For now, I’ll be given a different chemo from Monday which, with hope, should slow down the cancer, giving me the best chance at life. It’s understandable that at the moment I am going to take a break from my blog and my Facebook page whilst I come to terms with everything then will get back at writing blog posts on experiences in the hospital such as MRI and CT scans, staying overnight in hospital and I suppose now even how to cope with being told “you’ll never get better” (even though I take that with a pinch of salt because they can’t even read an a MRI scan right, so how can they predict my future so easily?) to ensure I help anyone due to go through cancer treatment or for people who have never experienced it and are interested in how I’m coping. I can also write posts if I get to cross things off my bucket list, although I may not be able to as they’re pretty adventurous and costly goals I had set myself to do over a lifetime. I also still have my Wish from Dreams Come True in waiting, which is a 10 day trip to Florida Disney World with Disney Caribbean Cruise but I’m unsure as of yet if I can afford the insurance because originally, the plan was to wait till I finished treatment to go. Either way, I’ll find something to write about eventually so I hope people still stick around to read future posts.
As usual, I thank everyone for their continued support all the way through my treatment, I’m hoping this is nowhere near the end and I still have a long fight ahead of me and the support received with every like, share and comment helps me carry on. I am determined though to prove them wrong, I mean, how dare they give up on me and tell me there’s nothing else they can do? It’s obvious they’ve not met someone as strong as me.