Hitting rock bottom

On 7th October 2016 I received the worst news imaginable. I was sat down ready to receive my MRI results which would tell me why I have had trouble urinating. First, we got the ‘good news’ (the words the doctor used) that there’s no reason I should struggle urinating if we took the catheter out as my bladder looks fine, but that does leave us wondering why I was struggling urinating so the doctors and nurses are nervous to take it out in case I can’t urinae again. This (not-so) ‘good’ news was short-lived when he then revealed that further looking into the MRI, my cancer is actually aggressive and currently attacking my pelvis and uterus (and more down around my bowel, I can’t remember much of what was said as the news shocked me that much) as the chemo has failed to prevent the cancer from spreading… meaning the good news we received on the Thursday about my tumours shrinking in my liver was inaccurate because in fact, whilst the Chemo was working on my liver, the cancer has continued to spread around my bowel area. This has left the doctor with no choice but to tell me that we are no longer looking for a cure and my new cancer status is now terminal.

I’m sure this will shock others as much as it shocked and upset me, especially after getting told the previous week that it was good news because the consultant didn’t look at my bowel on the CT and told me inaccurate information, that the Chemo was working therefore we could celebrate, which I did so via live video on Facebook! Now I’ve been told my life will be limited thanks to the aggressive cancer that is tearing through my organs.
I’m distraught. I can’t understand how they got this so wrong and if I wasn’t moaning about pain around my coccyx, they would have never found this! I had two MRI’s during my stay in hospital, the first one on my spine and around my coccyx and they STILL failed to see the growth of cancer around my bowel and pelvis! I’m angry to say the least, that my treatment so far has been so incompetent and, in my opinion, done VERY unprofessionally. It feels like they’re fresh out of uni and practising rather than this being the real deal. How can a consultant get my results SO wrong? It worries me that these doctors/consultants, who so inaccurately reported my results are the ones who are currently still taking care of me. It really makes me wonder if they’re aware this is a life they’re playing with.

There’s so many thoughts going through my head at the moment. I don’t know what they mean by palliative and end of life care, especially when I don’t see myself anywhere near end of life! I don’t feel it and I certainly don’t want to be anywhere near the end! I want to live to see next Christmas, I want to celebrate next Halloween, I want to make it to my 21st birthday let alone my 20th, I want to live for years and years beyond what they are so carelessly predicting, although I guess it’s just their job. I wanted to get married – from the planning of the day to the dress shopping for me and my bridesmaids (I’ve always loved ‘Say yes to the dress’) then to the actual day – have kids (I’ve even thought of names for a little boy or girl), travel the world in my dream job as Cabin Crew, be able to cross off everything on my bucket list, live my own life independently, in my own home with my own little family  (like my sisters)… even down to celebrating my 21st birthday which I don’t even know if I’ll get to do, let alone go to Las Vegas to celebrate it. I hate this uncertainty, this like ticking clock on my life, not feeling like I can plan anything. Despite all the fighting I’ve done, how positive I’ve tried to be, it feels like it was all for nothing…

For now, I’ll be given a different chemo from Monday which, with hope, should slow down the cancer, giving me the best chance at life. It’s understandable that at the moment I am going to take a break from my blog and my Facebook page whilst I come to terms with everything then will get back at writing blog posts on experiences in the hospital such as MRI and CT scans, staying overnight in hospital and I suppose now even how to cope with being told “you’ll never get better” (even though I take that with a pinch of salt because they can’t even read an a MRI scan right, so how can they predict my future so easily?) to ensure I help anyone due to go through cancer treatment or for people who have never experienced it and are interested in how I’m coping. I can also write posts if I get to cross things off my bucket list, although I may not be able to as they’re pretty adventurous and costly goals I had set myself to do over a lifetime. I also still have my Wish from Dreams Come True in waiting, which is a 10 day trip to Florida Disney World with Disney Caribbean Cruise but I’m unsure as of yet if I can afford the insurance because originally, the plan was to wait till I finished treatment to go. Either way, I’ll find something to write about eventually so I hope people still stick around to read future posts.

As usual, I thank everyone for their continued support all the way through my treatment, I’m hoping this is nowhere near the end and I still have a long fight ahead of me and the support received with every like, share and comment helps me carry on. I am determined though to prove them wrong, I mean, how dare they give up on me and tell me there’s nothing else they can do? It’s obvious they’ve not met someone as strong as me.

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9 Comments Add yours

  1. Vivienne Ward says:

    Which hospital did this consultant work at that misread your scan? I am really sorry for all the distress you are suffering just now but I know you won’t let it get the better of you. Best wishes x

    Like

    1. Clatterbridge, the hospital I’ve always received my treatment at x

      Like

  2. Julie says:

    Aw no I’m so sorry to read this, I completely understand how you feel In some way as I had surgery in 2014 then I had scans I was told by my consultant in Leeds that the cancer was all gone I no more treatment he told me to go celebrate and he would see me in one year. We celebrated told our children the fab news it was all good…but why was I still in pain,we contacted my oncologist at my local hospital and she arranged a scan straight away, we went to see her and she told us the cancer was still there and spread and she had even spoke to Leeds consultant who said he knew he hadn’t got all the cancer so why the heck did he tell us I was all clear. 2 year later and I’m still too angry to confront him I refused to see him last year, this consultant is a professor! How when he can tell patients they are all clear and know full well they aren’t! I’m sorry for ranting when you are going through so much. Thinking of you and I hope to hear positive news regarding the chemo on your next blog. Big hugs. Julie xxx

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  3. Jayne says:

    After reading this blog Hannah, you are one very special young lady, how strong and determined you are. Prove those doctors wrong sweetheart and keep being positive. Don’t give up, stay strong and you will get ur dream trip to Disney . Best wishes xxx

    Like

  4. Kayla Grubbs says:

    This brought tears streaming down my face IMMEDIATELY! I am not sure if you believe in God or not, but I could not even finish your blog and something come over me and I prayed so hard for you!
    My mother passed away last year in October from Colon Cancer. I have learned ALOT about the awful awful disease! PLEASE if you need to talk or anything PLEASE contact me! I know you probably hear that often, but I am 25 years old and I could not imagine the pain you are going threw, and I just want to be there for you and help you in any way I can.
    My name is Kayla! My e-mail is KaylaG556@Gmail.com
    You can e-mail me there, ANYTIME!
    YOU WILL STAY IN MY PRAYERS AND IN MY THOUGHTS !!

    YOUR NEW PRAYER WARRIOR!

    Kayla

    Like

  5. Connor Cain says:

    Hi Hannah, my name is Connor and I’m a student at Edge Hill University in Ormskirk. I read your story in the Ormskirk Champion newspaper and it was so heart-breaking to read one week of your great news, and then reading the not so good news the following week. Your bravery and strength throughout this is absolutely incredible. I would like to politely ask you whether or not you would be willing and able to provide an interview for a 3-5 minute documentary I would like to produce based around your story. If agreed, the documentary would be made the exact way you want it to, and with the aim to raise awareness for bowel cancer in young people. I thank you for taking the time to read this, and would completely understand if you declined.
    On a personal note, I have to say that just through reading your story in the newspaper and your blog, you are an inspiration to me. Your strength and bravery to face up to this is amazing, and heart, fight and will is stronger than any drugs that exist. I fully believe in you when you say you will prove your doctors wrong, and your story has touched me so much. I will try my very best to make as many people as possible on my University campus aware of your story in the hope of raising money and awareness. Stay strong Hannah because you will win this fight

    Like

    1. Hi thank you for your message! Can I ask that any enquiries be sent to hannahsbowelcancerjourney@gmail.com, thank you ☺️ xx

      Like

  6. Andrea says:

    You are a very strong woman. Prove them all wrong. Stay strong. Your in my thoughts and prayers xx

    Like

  7. Prayers are being sent your way all the way from Texas.

    Like

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